The Hollow Men - Episode 26
Drew adjusts to the unemployed life, catches us up on what's been happening in the field world, the Remington family deals with a loss, Rick now has a mantra, and Drew leaves for Austin.
Last week in Episode 25 covered the final days of VP Tanks, Matt Johnson's insight on what is happening, and the first days of an unemployed Drew.
The Hollow Men is the second collection of not quite true tales of Texas. If you have recently subscribed and like to read things from the very beginning feel free to start with The Cold Days of Summer, the first collection of not quite true tales of Texas. Each episode of The Cold Days of Summer and The Hollow Men contains a link to the previous and next episode so you can easily move through the story line.
Patterns
The first Monday of May, the first weekday post VP Tanks, I slept late and spent time with Kaiser in the morning. He was now in the habit of sleeping in the back yard, soaking up as much sun as he could. He didn't move much and he sure didn't move fast any more. Around noon I left Kaiser in the back yard with plenty of water and a couple of rawhide treats and met with Mr. Anders for lunch. I had with me the final check to cover the last bit of VP Tanks profit. As we ate I went over the final details.
“There's $15,000 left in our business account. I've set it up so the health insurance premiums will be automatically drawn from there every month. Once I know what I'm going to do with my insurance I'll make any necessary changes. I've talked with Houston Copeland and he's aware of the situation. This afternoon I'm going to cancel the electricity and water accounts, pay what's due and then we will be done. Our lease agreement on the shop and yard ended Saturday and that has been completely paid. Other than insurance there should be no other costs. Since you have power of attorney you can see what's going on with the business account and withdraw money if you need to. In a few months, maybe before I leave for Austin we can decide if we want to liquidate the account or not. We don't need to worry about that for now.”
I supported all of the words with a lot of papers and statements. Mr. Anders looked it all over.
“Looks like you have got it all worked out, Drew. I can't tell you how helpful it has been knowing you've been taking care of all the business details. That's one less thing we didn't have to worry about and that has meant a lot.”
“My pleasure, sir.”
“You coming over this Wednesday?”
“Yes, but I may not be able to make Wednesday after next. I'll drive to Austin either Thursday or Friday and I've got quite a bit to do once I'm there. I'm planning to be back Tuesday evening but I don't know for sure.”
I drove to Austin on Friday with my desk, chair, blackboards, drafting table, stool and drafting equipment. Friday afternoon and Saturday morning I spent setting up my study. On the window wall I placed my desk and chair so I could look out the window while I studied. I had already installed mini-blinds on the window so I could control and direct the light from outside. The window faced north and I placed my drafting table and stool on the wall opposite the window in order to get the north light. On the two remaining walls I placed my blackboards just above half bookcases. It looked like it would be a good place to study.
Saturday evening I went out to dinner with Mark and Jack. Sunday afternoon I spent some time with the Belton family. Hot dogs, potato salad, beer, and serious wiffle ball. Not a bad Sunday afternoon. Monday I bought a few more things for the house. Tuesday I drove back to Odessa.
In May I received my acceptance letter from UT Austin. They had accepted all of my hours and I would officially enter the University as a junior in good standing.
I fell out of my old pattern at VP Tanks and I into a new, slower, more relaxed pattern. I slept most mornings until 7:00 am, then woke up and made sure Mom had a fresh pot of coffee before she left for work. I would clean up the kitchen and spend time in the backyard with Kaiser, he would sleep, I would read. I still had lunch with Mr. Anders on Monday. On Wednesday afternoons I visited Mrs. Anders and Rick and always left with some fresh baked goods. Thursdays I had lunch with Matt. I had realized I enjoyed Matt’s company, his quiet, but forceful insight on things and I always enjoyed having lunch at Manuel's. Most Friday's I had lunch with Uncle Bill. At least two afternoons a week I played golf at Sunset Country Club. Golden Acres was done and gone. Pete had sold the course in 1982 and the new Mission Country Club was now being built on the land. Every other week I would spend a few days in Austin taking care of the house and the lawn. Diana, Jay and Billy had taken me under their wing. Diana was determined to find me a girl friend and they would invite me for dinner at least one night while I was there, and lo and behold, Diana would often have some single female friend of hers over that night. She tried hard, but what's the phrase? She kept throwing those pitches but I wasn't catching any of them. The women she introduced me to were all nice, but I wasn't all that interested in dating and more than one was caught off guard by my seeming lack-a-daisical approach to life. After all, why was a 25 year old going back to school?
July turned out to be a fretful month.
The first week I was in Austin attending student orientation. That wasn't so bad but I had a hell of a time getting approval for taking 24 hours in the fall. Everyone I talked to warned me that was too heavy a load, that since I had been out of school for several years I should start slow, maybe 12 hours, but definitely no more than 15 hours. Finally I ended up talking with the Dean of Humanities. I told him very simply it was my money and I could handle the load. Money and my stubbornness won out over their concerns and my 24 hour schedule was approved.
The week after I got back from Austin I was in the backyard with Kaiser one morning. He had been sleeping most of the morning, with his flanks turned to the sun. I was reading. I went back in the house to refresh my iced tea and brought a treat for him when I came back out. I called to him, he didn't respond. That wasn't so strange, his hearing had been gone for awhile. I walked over and knelt down by him and rubbed his flanks while talking softly to him. No response. I looked at him for a moment, looking for the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and realized there was no rise and fall. I put my hand in front of his noise and mouth and felt no breath coming out. I sat down beside him and petted and talked to him, hoping he would lift his head or thump his tail. He didn't. I lifted his head up an inch off the ground and let it drop. No reaction. I leaned over him and listened intently for some sign of life, a breath, a heartbeat, a stomach grumble, a sleeping growl. I heard nothing. I laid the treat I had brought him right by his noise and waited for him to smell it and lift his head. He didn’t. I kept looking for signs of life but there were none. Kaiser was dead. He had died in his backyard, basking in the sun. There are worse ways to die.
I realized I had to do something. I couldn't leave Kaiser dead in the backyard for Mom to come home to. I had buried a dog before. I could do it again. I went in the garage, found some gloves and Dad's shovel. I was ready to go, but wasn't. I waited. I watched him for an hour, for a sign of life, on the off chance that Kaiser would wake up from a deep dream, lift his head, yawn and thump his tail. He didn't. Convinced that he was dead, I dug a grave in the backyard for Kaiser. I dug it deep. I dug it well. I laid him in his grave with his favorite blanket, a toy and two rawhide treats. I placed the dirt over him gently, packed it in well, smoothed it all out and then I cried.
I was back in control when Mom arrived home from work. I told her what happened and she listened quietly. She sighed and cried a bit but said Kaiser had a long and good life. When Dad came home I told him and the two of us walked out into the backyard where I had buried him. He didn't say a word the whole time but while we stood there in the dusk he placed his hand on my shoulder.
The mornings at home from that point on were never the same, never the same without Kaiser.
The next to last Wednesday of July I visited Rick at his home. I asked Mrs. Anders how he had been. She said he had been quiet, sometimes would smile and seemed to hum a lot. I walked into his room where he sat quietly on the edge of his bed, his hands on either side of him gripping the edge of the mattress. He rocked back and forth and seemed to be humming to himself. I sat down across from him and started telling him about what I had been doing, how Elizabeth was doing, just saying anything to make the minutes go by.
As I talked his humming grew louder and as it did I noticed there was a distinctive rhythm or pattern to it, the same damn rhythm I had heard on Easter Sunday. Finally he was loud enough for me to realize he wasn’t humming, he was chanting over and over the same thing: “Dogmy.”
“Dogmy, dogmy, dogmy, dogmy.” Over and over that’s what he said. I quit talking and listened to his chant.
He chanted louder and louder until finally he spoke very firmly and strongly “Dogmy!” And then he was quiet. He continued to rock back and forth, but he was quiet.
That’s when I heard a voice that said “Quit looking through the mirror.” It surprised me at first. I looked around to see who had spoken but the only ones in the room were Rick and me. I wasn't scared, I had heard voices all of my life but it still unnerved me. Hearing voices was Rick’s thing now, not mine. We sat there, Rick and I, looking at each other when I heard the voice again say “Quit looking through the mirror.” I don’t know how much time passed, probably not more than a few seconds, when Rick sighed and started once again chanting “Dogmy, dogmy, domgy.”
No matter what I said or did that afternoon he never quit chanting. At 4:15 I gave up, said goodbye, and walked out as Rick continued to chant.
In a little less than three weeks I was driving to Austin to go back to school. Those last three weeks I spent a lot of time in the library, reading up on manic depression, schizophrenia and voices. I didn’t learn a lot, other than I was convinced the doctor’s were right and that Rick had some form of schizophrenia. In the back of my mind I wondered if I was ill too. I had heard voices and noises off and on for most of my life and now I was hearing a new voice.
I tried to figure out what Rick was saying, what it meant to him and what the voice was trying to tell me. I talked with Rick’s doctors who did confirm that his chanting seemed to be almost a form of meditation. They noticed he would chant when he became nervous. The chanting would start off quiet, almost like a hum, then build in volume until he would speak very clearly and distinctly “Dogmy.” That’s all he ever said, he never varied.
My first rational thought was that he was not saying “Dogmy” but that he was saying “my dog.” That actually made sense as far as speaking goes, after all it was English, but it didn’t make sense for Rick to say that. Rick never had a dog and didn’t seem to care much for dogs, so why would he be saying “my dog?” Of course, saying “dogmy” didn’t make any more sense.
I visited Rick every week until I left for Austin. Every week I would talk to him. Every week he would say nothing but “dogmy” softly over and over again. Every week I would get fresh baked goods from Mrs. Anders. Four days a week I was running, running to clear my mind, running to stay ahead of the calories that Mrs. Anders provided me every week.
The dreams
I haven't mentioned my dreams in awhile.
Tommy still shows up from time to time and about a month after Kaiser died Kaiser showed up in a dream.
Kaiser and Daisy were waiting for me when I woke up in the field, flat on my back. They both sprinted over to me as I was getting off the ground and nearly knocked me over with their hard charging enthusiasm. I could tell the two of them had become close in this dream world, they moved like long time friends. In the distance I could see someone standing under a large oak tree so I, along with Kaiser and Daisy, walked over to the tree.
Skeleton Man was waiting for us. He actually looked good. He was thin, but there was very little bone showing. He raised his hand in greeting as we walked up. I could almost see through his skin.
“Stan, you're looking better than last time I saw you.”
“Thanks to you, you're making some progress. You're living outside of yourself and that's a step in the right direction.”
“Is that all there is to it? Quit living inside myself?”
“Nope, no, it isn't. And you know that. There's more to it than that.”
“Care to enlighten me?”
“No. It's all up to you. Each person has their own path to follow. Some people do so gladly. Some people insist on following someone else's path. Some people never have the nerve to start walking at all.”
“Which one am I?”
“You've avoided your path, but now that events have forced a change you're moving forward.”
“Was Rick one of those events?”
“Sort of, but he has his own role or road to follow. It's a different road, different than what he might have expected or anyone else might have expected.”
“Doesn't seem fair, what happened to him.”
“Who said life was fair?”
“Well, I don't think anyone did but it still doesn't seem fair.”
“You're right, it isn't, but there it is. Is it fair that some children are born in horrible situations, while others are born with a silver spoon in their mouths? No, it isn't fair. We each wake up in a world not of our own making, but over time we change that world until it becomes our own world, a world we make, a world of our own making. Hopefully we make good choices in doing so, but not all do, not all do. Ultimately, it isn't where we start that matters, it is what we do with what we've got that matters in the end.”
“That's going to take awhile for me to absorb.”
“Always does for you. You analyze everything. That's not bad, sometimes it causes you to miss out on things that move fast, but it has also kept you from stepping out into situations where you didn't and shouldn't belong.”
“Talkative today, aren't you?”
“Yes, I guess. Hadn't realized it until you said so. Maybe I've said too much. Just know this. I'm always here. If you need me, I'm here. I'm always here. You just need to figure out what you're going to do with this information.”
Stan the Skeleton Man looked around, closed his eyes and listened to the breeze and smiled.
“Time for you to leave. Say goodbye to Kaiser and Daisy, they have squirrels to chase.”
I thought about arguing with Stan for a moment, I wasn't ready to leave. I knelt down and called Daisy and Kaiser. They trotted over to me and for a few minutes I talked only to them while I petted them. Then things started getting hazy and I knew I was leaving this world.
Change or the world’s gonna change you, part 1
I remember Wednesday, August 19, 1983 well. It was the day that my dad and I quit talking, at least for a while. I was up early that morning, getting ready to drive into the morning sun to Austin and the re-start of my college education.
Things had been going downhill at home the last few months. Once I shut down VP Tanks I slept late, watched a lot of TV, played golf and read a lot of books I had bought over the years but never found the time to read. Other than when I was in Austin working on my house, I wasn't working and I think my Dad was growing tired of that. He didn’t tell me, and I sure didn’t ask him, but I sensed it in the air from the comments from Mom and the occasional look of disdain from Dad.
My Mom and I were talking as I ate breakfast that morning. She insisted on cooking me a big breakfast for the road. My dad was up and getting ready for work. He started to walk out the door to his car when mom called him back and asked him if he planned to say goodbye to me. He looked angry that morning and walked back in. I got up, not really knowing what to expect so I held out my hand. He took my hand, gripped it hard and said “Change or the world’s gonna change you.” That’s all he said, he was a man of few words. Then he walked out to his car, fired up the engine and drove off. Mom seemed embarrassed and tried to cover things up, but I was mad. I thought he had spoke in anger because I was leaving for Austin, because I had closed VP Tanks, because I had laid around the house since May. I decided to be just as angry. I determined I would not change and in my mind I damned him and everything he stood for. It was easy, I had damned him before.
A little after 8:00 am, I loaded up the last of my things into my truck and was ready to leave. It was a light load this trip as I have been moving my stuff to Austin over the last few months. Mom was going to work late this morning so she could see me off and kept trying to delay me, but I was determined to go. I was convinced there was nothing left in Odessa for me and I was ready to hit the road.
“You sure you have enough money for the road?”
I fished in my front pocked, pulled out my money clip and showed Mom over $400 in cash.
“Do you think it’s safe to carry that much money?”
I smiled as I said “Yes, I think it’s safe. I don’t look like a high roller and I promise to not flash my money around while I’m driving.”
“Your Dad didn’t mean anything. He’s just busy this week. Don’t be angry at him.”
I was angry, but I lied once again to my Mom.
“I understand. Don’t worry, I’m not mad, I’m just ready to get on the road.”
“Will you call us when you get to Austin?”
“As soon as I get there and get the truck unloaded.”
Mom looked around the kitchen, looking for something to delay my leaving home.
“Mom, I need to get going. It’s a long drive and I know you want me to drive the speed limit. The later I start the more tempted I am to drive fast.”
She laughed and said “I guess you better get going. Drew, you be safe and study hard.” She gave me a big, firm hug and made me lean over so she could give me a kiss on the cheek.
I drove off, waving goodbye as I did. I drove down 11th street all the way to Grandview, where I turned left. I had one stop before I left for Austin but I had to kill some time. I drove around town, east to west, north to south and back again. At 8:45 I pulled into the parking lot of the Grandview and University Pinkies. It would be fifteen minutes before the store officially opened, but I knew the manager.
I parked my truck, walked up to the door and knocked on the glass. Two people looked up at me, waved at me to signal that they weren't open, but I shook my head and pointed at the one person who hadn't looked up. They motioned to him and James looked up. He laughed, shook his head, walked to the door, opened it up and welcomed me in.
“God damn, Drew Remington, is it August again? Who you seeing off this time?”
“No one, this time I'm going off to school.”
“No shit? You mean it? I wasn't so sure if you meant it when you first told me. Why are you here?
“I just couldn't let go of the tradition”
“Anyone coming to see you off?”
I shook my head.
“Guess everyone grew up on us, eh? How's Rick?”
“Not good. Still all fucked up, in fact. Doesn't know who he is or anyone else.”
“Shit, that sucks.”
We stood there somberly for a moment or two until James shook his shoulders like a big dog.
“God damn, enough of that shit. Got to send you off right. What will it be?”
“I was thinking a Pinkies ice chest, a bag of ice, two six packs of Coors and a bag of pretzels.”
“Got it.”
He walked around the store and picked up my order. Back at the cash register he sacked up the beer and the pretzels while I pulled out my money clip.
“Whoa, forget that. You've spent way too much money here over the years. This one is on Pinkie and me.”
I offered a twenty to James but he shook his head no.
“Thanks, James, I appreciate that.” I picked up my goods and started walking towards the door.
“I'll walk you out.”
Outside I put the beer into the ice chest, threw the bag of ice on the ground, breaking it up and poured the ice into the ice chest. Once I put the lid on I put the ice chest on the passenger floor board. I put the pretzels in the passenger seat.
“I guess this is it.”
“All right, man, drive safe. Don't be too much of a stranger.”
We stared at each other for a moment, then laughed and shook hands. He walked back inside the store. I got in my truck, started it up, and drove out of the parking lot, headed south on Grandview towards Highway 80 and Austin.
I ended up making one more stop. Muscle memory took over and I found myself in the parking lot of VP Tanks. The shop was empty, the owner hadn't found anyone to take it over. Our sign was still standing. I walked around for a few minutes, letting the sun and dust warm me up. There was no life here, at least for me. I got back in my truck and drove to Austin. As I headed towards San Angelo I pulled a beer out of the ice chest and opened the pretzels. It was a good day for a long drive.
Author’s note: In Odessa, we did have a Weimaraner that I named Kaiser. My Dad found him out on the oil patch roads, similar to how Drew and his Dad found their Kaiser. Kaiser stayed with us for several years, then became a ranch dog, herding chickens and sheep on a ranch in west Texas.
Stan the Skeleton Man’s phrase “waking up in a world not of our own making” was originally intended to be the title of a collection of short stories that I haven’t finished. It seemed to fit into Stan’s tale so I reused it in The Hollow Men.
Next week, in Episode 27, Drew goes back to college, observes Black Friday (October 14, 1983) from a distance and gets a new four legged friend.