Walking Backwards - Episode 14
Several months have passed since Mark’s death. Drew, Ann and Rae travel to Odessa. Drew learns again about the power of forgiveness from his Mom. Mark begins to see the light.
Welcome to the fourteenth episode of Walking Backwards, the third collection of not quite true tales of Texas. Previous collections are:
The Cold Days of Summer - If you are new to these tales and the type who likes to know how things started I would recommend starting here.
The Hollow Men - the second collection of not quite true tales of Texas.
New episodes are posted (almost) every Sunday. You can move easily between episodes via links to the previous and next episode.
If you are new to these not quite true tales of Texas but are the type who likes to dive right in you could start with the prologue to Walking Backwards. The prologue provides a summary of the first two collections and descriptions of the major characters you will be reading about in Walking backwards.
In our last episode, episode 13 of Walking Backwards, a few months have passed since the death of Rick Anders. The voices come back in full force and fury. Mark is acting strangely and disappears until a shooter's moon.
Living is cheap, death is expensive
Rae was baptized at the end of November at St. Mary Star of the Sea, the church where Ann and I were married, where Ann had been baptized, received first communion and had been confirmed. Fall turned into Winter and we celebrated Rae's first Christmas. We planned Rae's first trip to Odessa for spring break of 1990. My Mom had every day planned for us but I realized that Ann and I were not her real focus, it was Rae. As far as my Mom was concerned I was at best second fiddle to my daughter.
We drove to Odessa in March. We took our time, stopping every couple of hours so we could all get out of the car and look around. Rae was a great car rider. She would sit in her car seat, play with a couple of toys, listen to music, smile and make small sounds. Ann drove a couple of hours and while she did I sat in the back seat and read to Rae. She loved to be read to and we both read to her every day. When I drove Ann sat in the back seat with Rae.
Once we arrived in Odessa our schedule was not ours, but my Mom's. Within three days Rae had been introduced to every one of my Mom's friends. Mrs. Blessing cooed at Rae and caught me up to speed on Jack, Kate and Janey. With all of that happened in the last year I hadn't stayed up with anyone from the old days. Seeing or thinking of old friends just reminded me of old friends who were no longer alive.
One night after Rae had been put to bed, Ann, my Mom and I were talking in the living room. Somehow the conversation got around to religion and I asked my Mom a question.
“What does your church say about suicides?”
The room went quiet. Ann and my Mom knew what I was thinking about Mark. The Catholic Church took a hard line on suicides, it was the ultimate sin and there was little chance of redemption, at least from what I could tell.
My Mom didn't answer my question but she did tell me what she believed.
“Drew, do you remember Eziekel 16:63?”
I didn't.
“It goes something like this: 'I forgive you all the things you've done.' I've always believed that God forgives us the moment we sin, the very moment.”
I had heard this before, I had. I thought back and it came to me. Tommy had told me this not long after he died, in one of my first field dreams. Tommy had told me that God forgives you the moment you commit a sin. He said that he thought confession was about the world of man forgiving us for our sin, but the most important thing was to forgive ourselves, to forgive ourselves.
Mom hadn't quit talking. I was still listening and starting to see how the pieces might fit.
“The problem is our fellow man takes longer and we often take the longest time of all. We rarely forgive ourselves for our transgressions, our sins. We're too hard on ourselves, we all are. It's funny, we refuse to give ourselves a second chance so often. Someone's on a diet, they have a candy bar and they tell themselves they have failed and will always fail. And that's for the littlest things, something as simple as a candy bar. When it comes to something major, imagine how hard we will be on ourselves. It's almost a sin to be like that. To act as if we know better than God whether to forgive or not.”
She sighed, seeming to realize she had said a lot but hadn't really responded to my question.
“Drew, I believe God forgave Mark the instance he died. But there are people in this world who will take a long time to forgive Mark, if they ever do. I don't know what Mark was thinking when this happened, but I do know this, God forgives him, God forgives us all.”
Mom had told me practically the same thing that Tommy had told me nearly fifteen years before. In some cases, almost word for word. God forgives first, then man, but it is vital that we forgive ourselves, that we let go of the pain of our sin or risk being trapped in our self created purgatory. I thought that over. Mark was stuck in my dream, he was stuck in the hard rain, he couldn't, wouldn't move forward. I know Mark believed in God, maybe he believed that what he had done was too much to forgive. I didn't believe in God, I didn't believe in much at all, but maybe I could help Mark, maybe I could help ease his pain.
Early Sunday morning we left Odessa. We arrived home in the early evening. A new week awaited me.
Sunday night I dreamed. I walked in darkness. The hard rain fell and again, I found Mark shivering in the rain. We talked in between thunderclaps as the lightning streaked across the sky.
“Mark, you know my Mom is a religious person, right?”
“Yeah, hard to figure out how she birthed a heathen like you” Mark said with a smirk.
“Good to see you still have a sense of humor.”
“Hard to see anything to smile about in this damn place. How long have I been here, in your time?'
“It's been more than five months since you died.”
“Why do you say 'died?' I didn't die, I killed myself, I didn't die, I fucking blew my head off.”
I winced at that. It was hard enough to deal with Mark being dead, it was that much harder to deal with Mark killing himself.
“My Mom told me something this week, something she told me a long time ago, something I wasn't willing to listen to then but I heard it clearer this time around. She told me something that Tommy told me shortly after he died. Something Rick told me years later. Something you need to hear.”
Mark was listening, but only to the first part.
“Wait a minute. You talked to Tommy after he died? What the fuck? You didn't think to mention that until now? Who else do you talk to?”
“My Dad, Rick, Tommy, Nicole Devers, though it has been awhile since I talked to her and now you. Oh, yeah, and some dead dogs. You all show up in my dreams after you're dead. I don't seem to have much control over it. Thought I did, but I don't think so anymore. I don't know why this happens, but it does.”
“Shit, you talk to the dead and this is the best you've done. Haven't you listened to any of us? Where are Tommy and Rick? Why haven't I seen them and what was that shit you told me about some fucking light? There's no light here, save for the lightning flashes.”
“Mark, I don't know what's happening, I'll admit that, but when three people tell me the same thing I think there must be something right to it, something that might help you.”
“So what the fuck is it, all wise one?” The sarcasm and anger was strong in Mark's words.
“Do you know Eziekel 16:63?”
Mark cocked his head, almost like a dog listening to something that no one else can hear.
“Yeah, something like we are forgiven. Can't remember it exactly. I don't have my bible with me. No carry on baggage in this fucking world.”
Though he was angry, I had to admit that was sort of funny.
“Mark, this is what my Mom told me when I was a kid, Tommy told me a long time ago, then a few years later Rick told me the same thing and two days ago my Mom told me it again. 'First God forgives, then your fellow man, then you forgive yourself.' Tommy didn't see much value in man's forgiveness, he saw it as a formality, something that man cooked up as a tradition, something we just do because we're supposed to do. But the important thing, the thing you have to believe is that God forgives you. You're holding onto the pain of your death, your suicide, you can't see a way out, you can't forgive yourself for what you've done. You're stuck in your own purgatory, and from what I've seen of it, it is a damn hard one. I'm tired of seeing you like this, I want to see the old Mark, that's who I need to see in my dreams, my friend Mark. All you need to know is God forgives you, you need to forgive yourself.”
“Don't give my this bullshit. You don't believe in any of it. I know you lie, I know you always lie. This is just another one of those Remington lies. You don't like seeing me like this? Fine, get the fuck out of my purgatory. Go away, you non-believer.”
The sarcasm and anger in his voice was like bile, it burned right through me. Mark could see through me like no one else could, save for Rick.
“Mark, you're right, I don't believe in God. If there is one, I sure as Hell don't know what he believes or what he has got planned. I do know this. I forgive you.”
Mark looked away from me and spat on the ground. Overhead I sensed the rain not falling quite as hard as it had been. I didn't like being denied, ignored, not listened to. I could feel my anger rise up.
“Look at me, you son-of-a-bitch, look at me!”
Mark looked into my eyes.
“See through me right now. You tell me if I'm lying. I forgive you!”
Mark looked through me, right through me, deep inside me and he smiled.
“Shit, you mean it. You forgive me. You're not pissed at me?”
“No, no, I'm not. I'm hurt, and I was angry that you had left. Shit, I need you. I need you and not having you to talk to on Fridays, well, it has been damn hard. Damn hard. You didn't think about the people you left behind. That's the selfish part, you didn't think about the people you left behind. I didn't know you were hurting this much. I didn't know. I guess we were always too busy trying to crack each other up that we didn't realized we needed to mend each other. Mark, it's over, let it go. I forgive you. You've got to let go of it all and forgive yourself.”
“That's not easy to do, as you well know.”
“You're right, it's not easy to do, but you've got an advantage over me. You believe in something bigger than yourself. You believe in a God and the God you believe in has said over and over that he forgives you for all the things you've done. For all the things you've done, even suicide. You're forgiven, Mark, by your God, by me. I don't know who else, but that's a start. Just let it go, let go of the pain. Forgive yourself.”
Mark stood up and said “I'll try.” He looked around at his purgatory. “Am I seeing what I'm seeing? Is that God damn rain not falling as hard as it was?”
“It's not as hard as it was, not at all. Hell, Mark, who knows, we might see some light soon.”
“That would be good. Damn, it feels good to stand up. I've been hunkered down all of this time. Shit, my joints are killing me.”
Mark stretched and turned. I could hear bones and joints cracking.
“Damn, I was stiff.”
I could feel the dream ending, this was all that would happen for now.
“Mark, I'm leaving, I'm losing my grip on this world. Any advice for me? You know, everyone I see here has some advice for me, even the dogs. Most times it is cryptic as hell.”
“Advice, advice... Let me see. Hmm, well, I don't care much for this place. Hope I leave it behind soon. Advice..., hmm, let's try this. Living is cheap, death is expensive. How's that? That cryptic enough for you?”
“That'll do.”
“Glad I could be of service.”
The dream world was fading fast, I would soon be gone. Last thing I saw was Mark waving and smiling at me. Just as he and I faded away Mark said “Thanks, man, Who the fuck thought a heathen like you would help me see the light.” He was laughing. I had to laugh too.
“What's so funny? You're laughing in your sleep.”
Ann woke me up. I looked at her, smiled and said “Nothing, my darling Annie-Ru, nothing.”
“Annie-Ru, what's that?”
“I'm your heathen, you're my Annie-Ru.”
We kissed and I fell asleep holding my love.
Coming up in episode 15 of Walking Backwards the cracks in Drew are getting harder to ignore and to mend.
thank you