Walking Backwards - Episode 17

Drew begins to walk forward but the path is not easy. He meets with Mark in the field and is reminded of something that Rick told him a long time ago.

This is the seventeenth episode of Walking Backwards, the third collection of not quite true tales of Texas. Previous collections are:

• The Cold Days of Summer - If you are new to these tales and the type who likes to know how things started I would recommend starting here.

• The Hollow Men - the second collection of not quite true tales of Texas.

New episodes are posted (almost) every Sunday. You can move easily between episodes via links to the previous and next episode.

If you are new to these not quite true tales of Texas but are the type who likes to dive right in you could start with the prologue to Walking Backwards. The prologue provides a summary of the first two collections and descriptions of the major characters you will be reading about in Walking backwards.

In our last episode, episode 16 of Walking Backwards, Drew comes up with a plan to solve all of his problems but he learns he doesn't have as much control as he thinks he does.

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Walking forward

I'm living day to day.

I didn't trust myself for awhile. Neither did Sam. She kept a very close eye on me the first weeks after the forty days of my thwarted plan. She guarded Rae and Ann from me. But day by day, her trust in me began to grow until the morning of July 30^th, 1992, when I was woken by her staring at me, her stump tail wagging fiercely.

“Morning, Sam. Are we friends again?”

She smiled and we were. I had taken one step back, with many more to take.

I have picked up two new contracts in Houston and I'm driving up there five days a week. Pearland and the rest of Brazoria county is growing in population and my commute is inching up to 2 1/2 hours round trip. That's a lot of time by myself driving, that's a lot of time to go crazier or map out a way back.

There's only so much local radio I could take. In an hour everything is looped four times over. They never tell me about bad traffic until I am already in it. It is of no use to me. Instead I am listening to books on tape, burning through four and more a month. I'm listening to a mix of classics, layman's linguistics and self-help books. In the self-help arena I've focused on positive thinking and meditation techniques – hoping these topics will help with the dreams and the voices.

Most days I go off by myself for lunch. I really don't want to be around other people. I don't want have to fake the conversation. I find myself reading technical books during lunch, mostly about computer programming, problem solving and development processes, maybe I'm aiming for a balance between the classics and self-help.

Bit by bit, I'm reprogramming myself. I'm forcing myself to see the world in a different way. Some days I'm good at it, some days I'm not, but I try every day, even if it is just a little bit.

Once I'm home, I put on a brave face, play with Rae and the dogs, treat Ann with tenderness. First few weeks they didn't believe in the change but Rae was the first to accept me back. Ann was a little more leery, it took her a little longer. But I'm persistent. I'm persistent.

One thing I read is that if you feel you are no longer in love, imagine yourself in love. It's not that I don't love Ann, but somehow I lost the feeling, became desensitized to it all.

I walk in the door, I smile, pick Rae up and tell her she's the cutest thing I've ever seen, then I kiss and hold Ann. I smell her air. I breathe her in. I tell her that I love her more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.

Then I get down on the floor and say hello to Buster and Sam. Then I tell myself that I am sane, that my life means something, even if I don't know what it is. No matter how I feel, no matter how my day went, I do this every day when I walk in the door. I figure, I hope if I keep doing it, one day my mind will see it all as true.

I still stay up after Ann and Rae are asleep but I'm not drinking in the dark. I force my body to move. Sometimes a little yoga, sometimes stretching, sometimes push-ups and pull-ups. I force my body to move. Late in July I began waking up a little earlier and Sam and I walk in the dark through the neighborhood. We saw raccoons and skunks. As long as you let them take their path, they leave you alone. It is now August and Sam and I walk every morning for a good thirty minutes while the rest of the house sleeps. I come back from that walk a little more alive every day.

I can't say any of this is easy, but it does seem to be getting a little better all the time. I’m doing the best that I can.

The combination of the daily walks, the studying, the work, the drive to Houston and some physical work in the evening means by the time I lie down in bed I am physically and mentally tired. Most nights I go to sleep quickly. When I do have trouble sleeping I listen to Ann's breathing, I mimic her breathing rhythm, forget about the day and soon I am asleep.

The voices are still there, the pattern has shifted back to something a little more regular. Every forty days I get the “I'm not done with you yet” voice. It still scares me, but as I learned with bullies a long time ago, I push back when I hear that voice. I won't let it break me any more than I am already broken. Three days later I hear “Life seems to be forever but the people in it just seem to come and go.” I still don't know what that is supposed to mean. Every day I know I will hear “This is not your life.” I know, I know, but I'm working to change it. I just hope the voice is patient because this is not a quick make-over. Every day I hear “One more day.” I believe this voice. It means to me I made it through another day. I want to keep that string going.

The dreams come and go. Tommy sometimes shows up. He talks to me carefully, like I'm damaged goods. Rick shakes his head a lot, but works with me, tells me things to help me see things in the light and not the dark. My Dad rarely says anything at all to me. Most times when he shows up, he sits off to the side, looking out onto the field. I'm scared to approach him, to talk to him so I say nothing. We just sit and look out onto the land. There is no sign of Mark.

I work. I study. I exercise. I eat. I drive. I live. I keep going.

One night in early September the rain falls hard as Ann and Rae go to bed. Sam and I sit in the living room and listen to the rain fall. Sam falls asleep on the couch as I read. The book falls from my hand as I fall to asleep.

I wake in the rain, a hard rain and all is dark. I start walking because there's is no point in standing still. I find Mark standing in the rain holding an umbrella.

“Damn wet night, isn't it?”

“Yeah, it is. Where did you get the umbrella?”

“From the town. You know, where the light is on the horizon.” As Mark says this he points behind him where in the distance I see the glow of a small town.

“Does this mean you're okay?”

“I'm getting there. Not all of the way. Still got some issues to deal with, but I'm better. You were right, about that forgiveness thing.”

“Can't take credit for it. Give thanks to my Mom, Tommy and Rick.” I pause for a few seconds, listening to the rain, before I say with a smirk “and Eziekel.”

Mark laughs and says “Good one, giving credit is where credit is due. But you need to take credit too. You were the first one to find me. No one else was looking for me. You told me what to look for. You forgave me. Don't know if I would be where I am if it wasn't for you.”

“Hey, that's what friends do, right?”

“Yeah, that's what friends do. But it goes both ways, you know. Both sides have to be willing. I wasn't willing at first. I was wallowing in my pain. But you and your logic, well, I had to listen or act like I was listening or you would never quit.”

He was trying to make a joke, and it wasn't a bad one. I could argue a point with logic and reason until the other person would give up, but there was something else in the air.

“I feel like you're trying to say something else. Why don't you get to the point?”

“Ooh, the impatient Drew has shown up. All right, I will. You haven't been listening to anyone for awhile, anyone good that is. We've all been trying, but you haven't been listening. Tonight you showed up here because you were ready to. You're coming back, but you've got a long way to go.”

“I'm trying, but it isn't easy. It isn't easy.”

“Life is cheap, death is expensive. I proved that, so have you. Remember what you said about Rick at his funeral? About how you can be alive but dead, dead but alive. Listen to what you said, it was good shit. Learn from it. You might be surprised at the results.”

The dream world was getting hazy. I knew the dream was coming to an end.

“Drew, one last thing. Something your Dad told me to tell you. 'If you're going through Hell, keep going.'”

I wake up. Ann is asleep. So is Buster. Sam is looking at me from her spot near the door.

“It's all right, girl, just one of my dreams. Let's go back to sleep.”

I close my eyes and think about my Dad's words.

I've been walking in the dark. I've been going through Hell, but I'm going to keep going.

Sometimes I just watch, part 3

I took yesterday off. Let's call it a mental health day. Yeah, that's rather ironic and disturbingly hilarious when you think about what has been going on for the last few years.

Ann went to work so it was just Rae, the dogs and me. It was a pleasant day, a little cool and crisp in the morning but warming up throughout the day. After watching some morning cartoons I read Rae one of her favorite books. Then we went outside. Now that we were getting into fall, the grass was growing slower. I probably had one more mow before I put the lawn to sleep for the winter.

The grass was getting a little shaggy and in one area the St. Augustine grass had let in some Bermuda. Rae was looking at the grass and plucked one strand of Bermuda grass and held it up, twirling it like a small whirlybird. She laughed and tossed the grass into the air. Sam watched as it twirled down and then she bit it and took it from the air. Rae and I both laughed at that. Buster had found a warm spot in the sun and was sleeping while the rest of us toured the backyard. The summer before I had put up a small swing set. I set Rae on the swing and nudged her into the sky. She laughed. She laughed at so much that day, at grass helicopters, the sun, the wind, Buster, Sam and me.

I made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. I made sure there were a couple of extra sandwiches for Sam and Buster. After lunch a light rain began to fall, keeping us indoors. Rae played with her tea set and her stuffed animals. I watched her become totally immersed in her play world. I remembered doing the same thing with Elizabeth so many years ago and again with George and Mary, Elizabeth's two children. Later that afternoon we all took a nap. Rae and Buster fell asleep first, then Sam, once she had toured the house and made sure the house was safe. I drifted off for a little bit as well.

Ann was home by 4:00, and the two of us fixed dinner together. I bathed Rae, got her ready for bed, then read to her until she fell asleep. I tucked her in and watched TV with Ann to end the evening.

It was a good day. Need to mark it down on my calendar.

Every day, just every day

How long have Rick and Mark been dead now? Hmm, let’s see, it has been over four years. Do I miss them? Yeah, every day, just every day, just every damn day.

But I'm dealing with it, every day. Some days are good, some days are worse, but I'm getting by.

Every day I'm a little stronger, a little smarter. Every day I convince myself that all is good. Every day I put on a brave face, play with Rae and the dogs and treat Ann with tenderness. The drive to Houston provides me time to gear up for the day ahead while the drive home gives me time to unwind from a day of work.

Every day I move forward, but I'm afraid there's something bad around the next corner.

The thing about living day to day is you don't need any long term goals, you just need enough to get through the day. Living without a goal is easy, relatively painless but you don’t get anywhere. For most of my life I avoided having clear goals because I did not want to fail or face the greater expectations that success brings to life.

January 14, 1993

Some days are good, some days are bad. Today was one of the bad days. I stayed focused on work as long as I could but by 2:00 pm I was done. It had been a bitch day and I walked out the door.

I wasn't ready to drive home so wound up going to a movie, hoping to unwind for a couple of hours.

I saw A Few Good Men with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. Long after the popcorn was gone Jack Nicholson’s character said to Tom Cruise’s character “You can’t handle the truth.”

Man, that slapped me in the face. That is exactly what Rick told me in the seventh grade when I badgered him about what had happened with the hoods. It wasn’t until years later, the night of Tommy’s funeral, that I learned the truth of what happened with the hoods. Well, not all the truth. Today, in a movie theater I learned a little more. Way back in the seventh grade Rick told me “One day, not for a long while, but one day, you’ll understand and I’ll think you find it just as funny as I do today.” I didn’t laugh but I understood a little more.

Rick was right, I can’t handle the truth. Tommy has been dead for over seventeen years. My Dad has been dead for eight years. Rick and Mark have been dead for four years. Seven months ago I nearly killed my family and myself. I can’t handle it. I can’t. I feel like I'm cracking up again.

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Author’s note: We have two backwards references for this episode:

• Rick tells Drew “You can’t handle the truth” in episode 11 of The Cold Days of Summer.

• Sometimes I just watch, part 3

  • The first appearance of “Sometimes I just watch” was in episode 3 of The Cold Days of Summer.

  • The second appearance was in episode 37 of The Hollow Men.

And then we have some music videos:

• The Spiral Starecase had one big hit with “More today than yesterday” in 1969. The band, which had formed in 1964, broke up not too long after the release of “More today than yesterday.”

• The Beatles “Getting better” is on the “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” album. The video is from one of Paul McCartney’s tours with his performing band Wix Wickens, Rusty Anderson, Brian Ray, and Abe Laboriel Jr) since 2002.

As we can see in this episode Drew is fragile and it looks like he needs help. In Episode 18 of Walking Backwards, he gets some help from the dead and the living.