Walking Backwards - Episode 5
Drew questions everything he knows, is surprised by Ann, Jack Blessing gets married, and Drew quits watching life from the sidelines.
Welcome to the fifth episode of Walking Backwards, the third collection of not quite true tales of Texas. Previous collections are:
The Cold Days of Summer - If you are new to these tales and the type who likes to know how things started I would recommend starting here.
The Hollow Men - the second collection of not quite true tales of Texas.
New episodes are posted every Sunday. You can move easily between episodes via links to the previous and next episode.
If you are new to these not quite true tales of Texas but are the type who likes to dive right in I suggest you look at the prologue to Walking Backwards. The prologue provides a summary of the first two collections and descriptions of the major characters you will be reading about in Walking backwards.
Last week in Episode 4 of Walking Backwards Drew takes VP Words on the road, meets Ann on her own turf, catches Rick up on things and has a surprise visit from Jack Blessing.
What’s it all about?
The next few months were a whirlwind of activity culminating in what was assuredly Jack's best day and what might be mine. And, yet, there was something gnawing on me, something that was keeping me from truly enjoying the moment, from truly enjoying the goodness of the situation and it was a pretty damn good situation. I was in my first truly serious relationship. Even though Ann and I lived 150 miles apart we were growing close. If I wasn't in Houston we talked on the phone several nights a week. Ann accepted the fact that my long distance phone bill was ridiculously high. After all, what was she going to do when I called? Hang up the phone?
As for Houston, I was working there nearly 10 days a month. A week of that was at EPRco, and I worked another week at home with them as well. I was also picking up smaller contracts in Houston through the UT alumni network.
When I was working in Houston I stayed with Ann. Jason didn't seem to mind as we had lunch nearly every day I was at EPRco. While I was in Houston, Sam usually stayed in Austin where she had a yard of her own and Billy to play with. Ann's apartment was a little crowded with her, Buster and me and if Sam was there, it would have been very crowded. At least one weekend a month, sometimes two, Ann and Buster came to Austin.
My relationship with Ann was good, very good. Like nothing I had experienced before. I wasn't really sure what I had but I knew it was good. I wasn't sure if it was love, but it was good. I’ve heard people say it, scream it and sing it, but I’ve never understood what love is about. That was one of my quandaries.
Some of my other quandaries...
Mark was in Odessa, and wasn't working regularly. His first job lasted a few months, but he up and quit at the start of deer season and didn't plan to go back to work until January. He seemed fine with it, but I had learned I needed work to provide me a little structure and I was concerned about Mark. Not that it was my business, it wasn't. Every person has a right to live their way, their choice, but still I was worried.
Rick slipping into and out of his all knowing state. Sometimes when I talked to him he was simply Rick, the kid I first met in the seventh grade, the guy I ran VP Tanks with. Sometimes he was something else and showed the eerie ability to sense what was going on and know things that a normal person wouldn't know. And then sometimes he was God. I still don't what to think of this, having a personal relationship with something I don't really believe in or having a personal relationship with someone who was crazy enough to think he was God. From talking to his parents, J.T, Sue, Mark, Art, James and others, he was to them absolutely normal, nearly completely back. A little shaky, not as steady as he had been before his breakdown, but no signs of all knowing or God like leanings. I did talk to Robert, Rick's older brother, once that fall and he suspected something was different but neither one of us told the other their suspicions or opinions.
Work was going well, but my old worrisome nature kept me looking for the coming turn. I was convinced that everything, every industry, every economy, every relationship ran in boom and bust cycles. With VP Tanks we rode the boom and got out before the bust came down hard. With VP Words I was coasting the bust, taking advantage that people needed writing and editing but in a slower economy weren't willing to commit full time resources, preferring instead to hire someone like me for a few days, a couple of weeks, a month or two.
And, maybe my final quandary... Ann and I were in a boom cycle and I wondered when the bust cycle would start and I would I be able to deal with it without losing too much.
Despite my quandaries and my worries, the rest of the world kept rotating in a reasonable fashion.
Jack and Shannon sent out their announcements in September. The wedding was set for Saturday, December 5th, 1987 in Austin. Shannon's family is from Saginaw, a small town north of Fort Worth. Jack's parents still lived in Odessa. Kate, his sister, lived in Austin and Janey, his youngest sister, had an apartment in Dallas, but her job kept her on the road most of the time. When you came down to it, Austin was a good compromise, everyone had a long drive and keeping the wedding in Austin made things easier for Shannon and Jack who had the most to do.
Jack asked Rick, J.T and I to be his groomsmen. Hmm, actually, I wasn't asked. Jack threatened to kill me if I didn't agree to be a groomsmen, keeping up a long tradition of death threats. Naturally, I said yes as I had no desire to die. Mike Garrett happily agreed to be Jack's best man. Both Kate and Janey were part of the bridal party, with Shannon's best friend from high school and college as the matron of honor.
Jack and Shannon were extremely organized and I had absolute confidence that their wedding would run smoothly. In the midst of the planning and preparation Jack and I each got a big surprise.
Jack's was business related, when in November he was promoted to store manager and was given his own HEB store to manage in north Austin.
My surprise was more personal. It occurred late on a Saturday night in November when Ann and I were headed back to my house after a couples party in Austin for Shannon and Jack. A good part of the night J.T., Sue and Jack joked that I had finally made a couples party. It was a strange feeling, something that I wasn't used to. I was a part of something bigger than myself. It felt sort of good and a little scary. I was turning onto my street when Ann popped the surprise.
“I love you.”
I honestly didn't know what to think of that. Her words completely threw me off. I wasn't sure what she meant. The right thing to do, the thing that most any other human would have done, would have probably been to say right back “I love you” but that's not what I did. I asked her what love meant to her. By this time I had pulled into my driveway. We were both quiet and then Ann spoke.
“Loving you means that I care more for you than I care for myself. Loving you means I've come to depend on you, count on you and that's a little scary. But, even if it is scary, I like how it feels, it feels better to love you than anything I've ever felt before.”
Wow, that was a lot. And, I wasn't sure how I felt. Ann did mean the world to me. I liked myself around her a whole lot more than I liked myself without her, but I hadn't thought about love. I really didn't know what love meant but I knew that Ann, well, Ann was what I needed and wanted right now. Problem was, I had to do the right thing right now, even if that meant I was a little unsure of where I actually stood.
I held her hand, looked deep into her eyes, nearly got lost, and said “Ann, I love you. Maybe I loved you the first time I saw you. I'm not used to this at all, not used to feeling so connected to someone, not used to that at all so I'm going to be a little clumsy with all of this. I guarantee I'm going to stumble some. I just hope you'll put up with me while I get my land legs. Right now, I know I need you and want you more than I need you. I don't know if that is love or not, but I do know this, I'm a happier man thanks to you.”
What I said must have been pretty good. It was a good night and a good Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon Buster and Ann drove back to Houston. That night we talked on the phone and with every time I said “I love you” the words were easier to say. Every time I said those words I understood more and more what those words meant, I felt the power of those words and I felt myself changing for the better.
Mike Garret, Rick and Mark rolled into Austin the afternoon of Thursday, December 3, 1987. They were staying at my house for the wedding weekend. Mike, Mark and I started drinking right then. Rick sipped a couple of beers to be polite but watched as the three of moved rapidly to oblivion. Driving in from Corpus, Barry arrived a little after 7:00 pm and stove mightily to catch up to the three of us. Mike and I tried our best to cajole Jack into coming over Thursday night but his maturity won out. Well, that just meant more beer for the rest of us. Somewhere between three and four AM the beer won and we either fell asleep or passed out, I can't tell you for sure.
The weather was warm for December in Austin, the high for Friday and Saturday would be in the high 70's. Friday morning arrived late, but too early. I woke up around 10:00 am to find Mike drinking coffee in my kitchen and sharing a peanut butter sandwich with Sam.
“How you feeling?”
“Alive, but been better, and you?”
“Great, a little tired, but great.”
“Damn you, Garrett. You've never had a hangover in your life, have you?”
“Nope, never have. Might quit drinking if I ever did. Hear they're a bitch.”
“They are. Older I get the longer it takes to get over them. This one feels like it is going to last awhile.”
“I'd offer you the hair of the dog, but it appears we drank every last beer last night.”
“Then we will have to buy some more today.”
“Yes, we will.”
Luckily, Rick walked in and was able to add to our scintillating conversation. The rehearsal was at 6:00 pm that evening with the rehearsal dinner immediately after and Jack's bachelor party after that. Ann and Buster expected to arrive a little after noon and Mike, Mark and Rick were anxious to meet the two of them.
I asked Mike how Jack and his dad were getting along.
“They've come to an acceptance. That's how I would put it. Things were dicey after Jack graduated from high school, but once Jack moved to Austin and Janey left Odessa I swear Mr. Blessing mellowed. I bump into him from time to time at the plant and he's always pleasant to me. Always has some story about Jack and the girls, he's real proud of them all. I talked to him last week and he was definitely looking forward to the wedding. He was a bastard growing up, but not so much now.”
I hadn't seen Mr. Blessing in years. I agreed with Mike on one thing, he was a bastard. I just didn't know what he was now.
Mark walked in sleepily a little after 11:00, looking to be in some pain, but a cup of coffee seemed to wash away the effects of the long, wet night. I wished I was recovering as quickly, but I wasn't. My head hurt, my stomach was uneasy and I felt a little shaky. I kept drinking iced tea and popping Excedrin's, hoping the caffeine would kick in and get me on track.
Ann and Buster arrived at 12:30 just as Barry woke up. Buster and Sam immediately went to the backyard to check things out while Mark, Barry and Mike checked Ann out and Ann probably started doubting her in interest in me as she met more of my friends.
This was the first time that Ann met Barry, the man who fought Jack-in-the-Box. She told her side of the story. Barry was forced to retell his side of the story for everyone and was embarrassed by the whole thing. Mark enjoyed the joke of it all the most, laughing and saying “To think, it took a drunken Barry and a Jack-in-the-Box to finally get Drew a woman!”
J.T. and Sue came by later that afternoon after checking in at a local hotel.
The rehearsal and rehearsal dinner went as scheduled. Mr. Blessing, Mike and Carol, Shannon's matron of honor, toasted Shannon and Jack kindly and graciously, and then, as Mike said the real fun began. Similar to the night before I drank too much, so did Mark, Mike and Barry. Jack behaved sanely as did Rick and J.T. Mr. Blessing had a few drinks, but not too much.
The wedding wasn't until 6:00 pm Saturday night which meant I had some time to recover from two nights of drinking. The wedding itself was a small affair, all told maybe 60 people attended. That wasn't too surprising since most family and friends were coming from hours away.
The reception was held at the Sheraton Hotel where Jack and Shannon were staying the night. The next morning they would fly to their honeymoon in Acapulco, Mexico. Due to the hardness of the last two nights, my heart wasn't in the drinking and part of the night I spent with Sue and Ann. They had hit it off and I felt I had to make sure that Sue didn't poison things too much with her tales of my past.
Around 11:00 pm Ann and I walked out outside on the porch to look at the night. It was a clear night, but not many stars to be seen, not like the stars I had seen in West Columbia the summer of '85. It was a little chilly and I placed my arm around Ann. I had been thinking over a lot of things and I was coming to a decision. I wasn't really prepared, I didn't have a ring but the moment seemed right. I turned to look at Ann.
“Ann, I know this isn't how it is supposed to be but right now seems to be the right time. Will you marry me?”
Ann looked at me, laughed and said “You're drunk.”
“No, no, I am not. I'm serious. I don't have a ring but I'm serious. Will you marry me?”
This time it sank in.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, very serious.”
“No, I mean, are you serious? Do you mean this?”
“Yes, I do. I love you and I want to be your husband.”
She cried just a bit and said “I love you and I want to be your wife.”
And we were engaged.
“Drew, do we tell anyone? Do we tell them tonight?”
“If you want to.”
“I don't know, I don't know. I wasn't expecting this. And... it feels like we're stealing the attention from Jack and Shannon.”
“Then we won't, not tonight. It doesn't matter to me who knows this, save for you and me. Well, Buster and Sam, too, we should tell them tonight, when we get home.”
Ann laughed and said “Yes, we'll tell them, but no one else, at least for now. Maybe in a few weeks, once we get some of the details figured out.”
“Let's tell your mother when Sam and I come down for Christmas. My Mom probably already suspects something. She wanted to know why I wasn't coming to Odessa for Christmas and I avoided answering. We'll tell your mother first, then I'll tell my Mom.”
“I like that.” She sighed and then said “I wish my dad was still alive. He would have liked you.”
“I would have liked meeting him, but most of all, I wish I had met you sooner.”
We kissed and walked back inside.
Oh yes, before I forget. Sam and Buster were very excited by the news.
Author’s notes:
The original title of this Episode was “What is love?” but I was wrapping up the editing this Sunday morning in January 2025 I decided to change it to: “What’s it all about?” That comes from the Burt Bacharach / Hal David song “Alfie.”
What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live? What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie? Are we meant to take more than we give? Or are we meant to be kind? And if only fools are kind, Alfie Then I guess it is wise to be cruel And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie What will you lend on an old golden rule? As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie I know there's something much more Something even non-believers can believe in I believe in love, Alfie Without true love we just exist, Alfie Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie When you walk, let your heart lead the way And you'll find love any day, Alfie Alfie
The lyrics Alfie captures the transformation Drew is trying to understand. The last stanza (bolded above) nicely captures what Drew is going through as his relationship with Ann is changing.
Three of my favorite tunesmiths are Burt Bacharach, Hal David and Jimmy Webb. In fact, Tunesmith is a book by Jimmy Webb that walks through his understanding of the art of songwriting. I’ve long thought that writing software code is more like writing poetry or songs than writing prose. I read Jimmy Webbs’ book twenty years ago and did learn a few useful things to help me in the software development world.
When Drew says to Ann “I need you and want you more than I need you” it is a flipped paraphrase from the chorus of what I think is one of the greatest love songs ever written, Jimmy Webb’s “Wichita Lineman.”
I am a lineman for the county And I drive the main road Searchin' in the sun for another overload I hear you singin' in the wire, I can hear you through the whine And the Wichita lineman is still on the line I know I need a small vacation But it don't look like rain And if it snows that stretch down south won't ever stand the strain And I need you more than want you, And I want you for all time And the Wichita lineman is still on the line And I need you more than want you, And I want you for all time And the Wichita lineman is still on the line.
The morning of Jack’s and Shannon’s wedding Mike Garrett tells Drew that he has never had a hangover and said “Might quit drinking if I ever did. Hear they're a bitch.” This is very similar to a conversation I had with my father in January of 1980. Before we look back on that conversation, let’s set a little context. My father was an alcoholic and had drunk hard from when he was a teen until he was 58. He had tried to quit numerous times over the years, but the quitting never took until the summer of 1978. At the point of this January 1980 conversation he had been sober for a year and a half. My father stayed sober until he died in January of 1990. It was bitterly cold that Sunday morning in January of 1980. I had been out way too late, had drank way too much and had been in a way too serious poker game for the amount I had drank. I lost a few dollars in the game, but not enough to worry about. I don’t think I got home until 3:00 or 4:00 am and there it was, 6:00 am and I was awake sitting in the kitchen drinking my first of many, many glasses of iced tea that day while my father was drinking coffee.
For the first few minutes we talked about sports and the poker game I had been in. My father loved to play cards, dabbled in poker games in his younger days, and learned how to count the deck (something I never learned how to do). And then he asked me if I got hangovers. I said I did. He asked what they felt like. I told him it was pure hell for the first few hours (headache, nausea, a little shaky, a little tingly) but usually by noon I would feel somewhat alive. He shook his head and told me that he had never had a hangover in his life and that if he ever did he would have quit drinking right then. Looking back on that Sunday morning from the previous century I’m not sure if that meant I could handle pain better than my father or if I was more stubborn than him or something else.
Next week in Episode 6 of Walking Backwards, Drew, Mike and Rick have a deeper conversation, and Buster, Sam, Ann and Drew travel to Odessa, a land of sand but no water.
Nice. Try listening to Cassandra Wilson sing "Wichita Lineman"...a wonderful slow spin on a beautiful song.
My mom never stayed sober more than 6 months and that was only after Dad's heart surgery. She always went through DTs when she sobered up. Your dad, my mom had demons and dreams